The One Asshole Rule
Why will Communism never work? Why is world peace an impossible dream? Why is it that I can’t take more than 3 ounces of liquid through security at the airport? Why do coffee cups at McDonald’s have warnings on them about the temperature of their contents? Because of the one asshole rule. What, you may ask, is the “one asshole rule?” Continue reading after the break to find out.
The one asshole rule is a simple concept, a scientific theorem I postulated after years of observing human nature and people’s interactions with each other. Quite simply, the one asshole rule is as follows:
All it takes for any good thing in life to be irreparably ruined is the action of one selfish and/or stupid asshole.
It only takes one asshole to ruin it for everybody else.
The history of human civilization is rife with examples of the one asshole rule in action, from the earliest dawn of civilization through to the current day. The beauty of the one asshole rule is that it works on both a macro and micro level. For a macro example, because of one asshole trying to blow up an airplane with a gel bomb, everyone flying in the US has to go through the rigmarole of putting all their liquids into tiny bottles before they go through airport security. For a micro example, one asshole that was incapable of centering his car between the lane lines caused a month worth of chaos in the parking lot of my old apartment.
The one asshole rule is also why we have personal injury lawyers and a desperate need for tort reform in this great country of ours. The classic example of this is the landmark award of $2.86 million in 1994’s Liebeck v. McDonald’s Restaurants. You know, the case where the lady dumped a full cup of scalding hot McDonald’s brand coffee in her lap and sued Ronald silly. This epic case was one of the greatest meetings of assholes in American jurisprudence. We have one asshole dumb enough to open a full cup of coffee while holding it between her legs, one asshole corporation stupid enough to not pay out damages and sweep the whole matter under the carpet, and one asshole personal injury lawyer that wasn’t afraid to reach for the stars all in the same case. Awesome. Because of this we have inane warnings on coffee cups and more people trying to win big on their own stupidity.
The one asshole rule is the reason why most, if not all, forms of government/economic systems will never work as advertised. All it takes is one asshole that thinks he deserves a bigger piece of the pie or that he shouldn’t have to contribute as much to throw a Communist system out of balance. An asshole wanting something that belongs to someone else and taking it by force makes Anarchy and Libertarianism untenable propositions. One greedy asshole corporation (since they are legally considered to be an individual entity, I’m considering them to be one collective asshole) putting their interests above all others causes the inequities in Capitalism. One reactionary populist asshole spoiler with no hope of winning a majority can taint the electorate in a democracy the same way one inbred syphilitic poly-amorous asshole can screw up a perfectly good monarchy.
Same goes for religion. Jesus and Muhammad were pretty cool dudes, all about justice and helping the poor and doing right by your neighbors, but not a day goes by when their teachings aren’t tainted and perverted by an unending parade of self-serving assholes. Assholes use Judiasm and Hinduism as fuel for regional wars. Scientology is a religon created by a ginormous asshole as a way to scam money off of other assholes of varying magnitude (on the low end you have your common salt of the earth Scientologists, on the high end you have Tom Cruise). I think the only religion that is immune from the grasp of assholes is Buddhism. If you’ve ever met a Buddhist I’m sure you’d agree that it’s physically impossible for a true Buddhist to be an asshole; annoyingly serene yes, but a full blown asshole, no.
So that’s all I got for now, take a look around you and you’ll see evidence of the one asshole rule all over the place.
In: The Rules · Tagged with: asshole, assholes, politics, religion, syphilitics, tort reform